I really feel like I gotta do this game in the style of a bad yelp review.  So, I googled "How to write a yelp review" and came across a GQ article.  

Kevin dusts off his plagiarism playbook, and here we go...

We know that bad Yelp reviews are mostly about feeling wronged or disrespected by a business and resolving those “minor traumas” with angry rants. (See: Every episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.) We also know that those one-star tirades can hurt. The most vulnerable are new local bar and restaurant owners, not giant multinational corporations, or beer league hockey teams for that matter.  As someone said in a comic book— “Irradiated Spider Boy” I believe it was called— “With great power comes great responsibility.” It’s about time we were honest when writing our Yelp reviews, like so:

First of all, there is NO shoe cleaner when you enter the rink from the south or north doors. As a person who appreciates sharp skates staying sharp from the dressing room going to the bench, that enrages me. Could I have put guards on for the walk from the room to the bench to make sure to bypass the shoe grit that gets tracked around the common area? Uh yeah, if I was a more organized and, consequently, a more successful person.

Then the scoreboard tells me I have 2 minutes to warm up and somehow get my brain wrapped around the speed of pucks flying at me from different angles and be ready to play. At this point, especially because its around 10pm, I’m a grumpy old fuck, 2min is definitely not enough time to limber up an old guy, and I’m not going to pre-stretch, that requires foresight.  Plus, the water bottle holder on the back of the net only fits skinny bottles, so occasionally a bottle gets blown up, which makes me feel very thirsty as the game goes on.  Hydration is key.

So, the first period starts, and I end up letting 3 goals in, by no fault of my own, entirely the leagues fault.  I’m sure if you put a level on the ice the rink was tilted my way.  They should have that looked at, plus I felt triggered at the brightness of the lights.  How am I supposed to concentrate with that glare?  Unacceptable.

This whole time between whistles there isn’t even music played, or t-shirt tosses happening, or TV timeouts to guess which cup the ball is under in order to get an A&W’s card.  There isn’t even a 2-minute interval where if we score the crowd gets chicken.  What kind of ambience is being achieved here?  Answer: none.

And then the ref doesn’t even stop the game when one of our guys makes an ill-advised pass straight to an opposing player who has a straight line to our net.  I waited forever for that whistle.  Literally.  I’m writing this from a void that exists beyond the end of time.

That being said, we did our best to combat this obvious bias towards aquatic animals in the situation and fell short in a 5-4 finish.

Then they add a 20% off coupon for Tap25, which makes me very upset because it used to be a straight $20 off, money that could have been saved. Like millions of people in Canada’s shrinking middle class, I’m worried about money, but instead of talking openly about it and advocating for sensible economic policies, I am writing this very angry beer league game review.

This game was so lame, don’t know why the Honey Badgers were awarded two points for a win, terrible music, sketchy reffing and my unresolved mother issues mean I WILL NOT BE COMING BACK… for our next game against those guys. 

If I could leave negative 2 stars I would

Saying that, I award it... Three stars.

Other Gator News

Lando after tying one on till 4am mangaed to make the game, but forgot Gary, so no #GatorOfTheGame was awarded

Brady was a good gator and brought beer's... which get a 5 star rating... cause I'm not a beer snob

There was a stag party for Jordo, so several Gators were absent for this game... Spenny is included in that group but still managed a solid -5 even though he didnt play.